HEVEL. HEVEL. The grief of Wisdom.
During my week, during my life - so much happens I want to write about. I am lazy with it: I take pictures and call my friends and send texts.
This writing is a discipline for me to develop - or, not.
But I want to quit wanting it.
Either do or do not do it.
Last week I had a sad, heavy, hard week.
All adjectives I don't really want to use or apply, but wanting to be descriptive, I need to use them. I was grown up last week, a mature Christian, to turn to the LORD in my discomfort. In my unease. In my confusion.
ALL the while shouting: I KNOW YOU ARE HERE. WHERE DID I GO?
I don't want to invest hours to pull apart the "onion" to find the triggers of sadness or despair... that is the Old Me. and ALL I want to do is put the Old Me at the Cross where she can and continues to Die.
SO I called no friends. I went to work with Noel only to turn back. We chatted, I had a disappointment in him - but -the truth of if was I was on the edge and saw I could not "push" through. We chatted and there was nothing I did not KNOW to do, it was a temporary inability TO do it. But typical of Noel and me, we were on a high level exchange where I did not want to bring energy and stuff "to" him... and he noted it. I knew I was anxious and broken.. and I knew it would not last. I did not need ritual, or story - I needed to just continue to practice to sit and be still in the discomfort knowing God was right there with me, waiting for me to See Him and Hear Him. It took me a while as I shoved away the lies.
So the success:
Hours of sermons.
Hours of stillness on this beautiful farm. Walking with that cute dog of mine.
Hours of rest.
Bible: I opened to Ecclesiastes.
HOW PERFECT.
The Vanity of Life
1 The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem.
2 “Vanity[a] of vanities,” says the Preacher;
“Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.”3 What profit has a man from all his labor
In which he [b]toils under the sun?
4 One generation passes away, and another generation comes;
But the earth abides forever.
5 The sun also rises, and the sun goes down,
And [c]hastens to the place where it arose.
6 The wind goes toward the south,
And turns around to the north;
The wind whirls about continually,
And comes again on its circuit.
7 All the rivers run into the sea,
Yet the sea is not full;
To the place from which the rivers come,
There they return again.
8 All things are [d]full of labor;
Man cannot express it.
The eye is not satisfied with seeing,
Nor the ear filled with hearing.9 That which has been is what will be,
That which is done is what will be done,
And there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which it may be said,
“See, this is new”?
It has already been in ancient times before us.
11 There is no remembrance of former things,
Nor will there be any remembrance of things that are to come
By those who will come after.
And then: RECOVERY-> CLARITY->GAIN.
Everything Has Its Time
3 To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:2 A time [a]to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.
GOD is so faithful. It breaks me when I know my friends that don't know, and have no interest in finding out what this joy and what this steadiness is that this friend has found.
They have no IDEA what I mean when I say God is so faithful.