Oh I have been walking and pushing against darkness. Real evil. Real depression. Ever since my trip to Indiana that stripped away much of me and worldly expectations, leaving me raw. 

Re-Minding me... only Jesus will never disappoint me. People have their own agendas, their own preferences and tolerances, and their own brokenness. 

I have tried new things; NOT calling my best friends that are there with real Biblical advice. And with Prayer. Beyond just the verse quote, but real engagement in my walk and helping me. You know who you are although you don't read this blog (no one does) it is really more a journal for me.

So I had a story line every day for the past several weeks. You know -  the mediocrity of the world; the lies of the left in this election; the disappointment of Trump yielding on gay and abortion; the weak church service I went to; the inability of me to find the succor promised me in the Word.
I know - I KNOW - it is there for me, but something has blocked me. Is blocking me.
I know - I KNOW - God is with me, that in Jesus' name I am protected and I am seen and I am loved. But something blocks me from that comfort.

I have been doing "All the right things":
Staying in the Word.
Sitting silently in the frustration of non-understanding.

Working at not making up my storylines.
Working at not calling friends to commiserate.

Watching everything-Jesus from Sermons to movies.
Resting.
Being outside.
Watching excellent comedy to help me laugh out loud.

Eating well, and eating very little.
Drinking lots of good water and minimal and proper vitamins and support.

Hearing words from the devil that I am no different than I was before Jesus.
Hearing the lie that no one loves me.
Hearing the self-incrimination that I can not rise to the Christian-like beingness that I was at, wish to be at.
Hearing my self-accusation as I look at my life and how beautiful it is; Surrounded by true beauty and joyful animals, living in a peaceful situation with privacy and joy-available, no financial stressors, no unhealth..... accusing myself of so much weakness as I have to WORK at not feeling a victim. 
Stay in the truth instead of feelings.
Feelings that have always lead me away and astray and kept me captive... Especially because I am so articulate and able to persuade.

I know the Lord.
I know He loves me and that is ALL that matters.

I know all else are lies.
I know to turn away and keep my eyes on the Lord.
I know to stay; stay in the Word and the Truth.
I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I know that He knows every hair on my head.
I am loved.

THAT is the Truth.

Sunday (yesterday) I arose again before dawn, per usual. Speaking my gratitude. Thanking Jesus for redeeming me to God. Weeping with this gratitude. Never could I have saved myself.

Then church: it was so fake. 
"LET'S WORSHIP HIM!!!"

No-one was singing.
One-song.
Then a Plastic bucket for our money.
Then a different color Plastic bucket with the "elements" because they receive communion the first Sunday.
There was no Holy Spirit here. There was a silenced Holy Spirit in me.
I had to leave.

We are reduced to plastic buckets.
ONE TIME a month, could not this small church get real bread and real juice or wine. 

I cried deeply, from my core in my car.
I screamed the pain. I came home and rested and spoke out loud: THANK YOU LORD. I KNOW You are here.

My mind drifted to my own story, testimony with Pat having no attention or energy behind it. My heart broke in anger and then sadness over the loss of Anna Stewart.
I was awash in purposelessness.

See. I struggle still to find my joy. I AM REDEEMED.
I am a Child of the King.

Perhaps the election is weighing on me. I have voted.
I have felt and voiced my disappointment in Trump's weakness.
I have watched with a learning eye how Jack Hibbs walks his belief and speaks. He indeed acts like a Christian.

I watched him on an interview that randomly came up about his fears and doubts before every time he speaks... The devil yells in his ear - every sermon: You are going to Stutter again and be a laughing stock.
After 40 years he hears this voice.
Before I cry out what's the point, I can look at another human like Hibbs to gain strength, and then raise my eyes to the Lord and say:
YOU ARE THE ONLY POINT.

Gather me up today, Lord, as I pray. As I try something a-new, by confessing first.
Search me Lord. Raise up this Warrior You have created for Your Father's glory:
HELP ME FULFILL and UNDERSTAND and RECOGNIZE what You want in me.

First, to love and honor and worship You.
This Psalm is what You gave me for yesterday and it was perfect. Let us see how today unfolds, for already I have wept deeply for You.