So What am I looking for?
I can complain about the Worship.
I can complain about the Sermon.
I can complain about the cheapening of Communion.
I can complain about the lack of the Sacred.

BUT
AND

Isn't Church the corporal body of the Lord?
Isn't the Church the Bride of Christ?
Isn't the Church the point, and not my comfort or personal "satisfaction"?
Isn't the Church the place of God?
Isn't the Sermon to share the Word?
Isn't the Sermon to teach and make disciples?

Does ANY OF THAT.... have ANYTHING to do with my feelings? my preferences?
Aren't I the Church?

I have been thinking about Ritual, Order, Sacred.
Depth.
I am seeing it lack everywhere in the free-wheeling churches I keep stumbling into these last weeks. 
Jesus, where am I to meet you - with others?
I am so concerned about self-isolating with the Word, YOU, and TV Sermons, Prayer and Listening to You, for You.

I understand monastic life.

BUT YOU SAY
Christian life is OTHERS.

LOVE OTHERS more than ourselves.
I am coming up short.
I have sudden, unscheduled, unprepared, huge sometimes, anonymous acts of kindness, of generosity.
They make me happy, always.
Unfettered, always.
Close to God as though I am listening, always.

But to just BE WITH, SPEND TIME WITH..."others".
Very hard for me.

So looking for a Wednesday evening gathering, I went to the Local Calvary Chapel. I could not have been more disappointed. I knew I was going to leave. It was as though I could not even breathe. Why?
A woman came and wanted to pet Ruby and I had to ask her not to. And she teared up, I touched her arm and she welled up in tears. I hugged her and asked her name. We were in a coffee shop.
(The church was being held in a literal coffee shop. Nothing sacred. Can I bring sacred with me?)

So this woman was crying, quiet long tears down her face. She had lost her husband recently. And she asked me if I had ever lost a partner, and I said yes.
Before she could apologize and tell me how sorry she was about my loss... I told her that my story is my testimony. It is pure joy.

I told her that she was still here because God is not done and has a future for her to work for the Kingdom. She lit up, her eyes brightened and she said that it was a gift, that statement. I told her I was leaving Friday for two weeks or so. I would find her and we could have lunch when I got back.
"You won't forget?" she asked.

We hugged, and I told Ruby to "go be nice", which is her signal to go visit.

She took a few steps forward as the acoustic guitarist began singing a worship song.
I can't.
It doesn't move me.
It seems force, but I really could be wrong. Maybe I felt no joy because I was not part of everyone (15-25 people?) Or maybe I had already made my mind up so completely I could not let it go.
SO:
I waited until a moment between songs when everyone thought applause was the thing to do... and I handed my new friend, Kara, a note I had just scribbled in my best hand. I whispered in her ear; "I believe I came here tonight to meet you. Here is my number, I drive to Fayetteville tomorrow at 9:00 and we could spend the morning together if you want but you have to text me.
And other wise, I leave for two weeks and we can chat when I get back."

I felt good about that sudden, unrehearsed, kind movement of God. It wasn't me.
It also felt good to quietly and as subtly as possible - leave.

What is this about?
I am wanting more.... and yet, isn't the CHURCH itself the thing? How can every church be so different, while caught in the formulaic? Where is the.... constancy?

I am tired now, and had lots of other things happen once I got home.

I am praying for a better walk with God, that I do better as His child. I am confused about choking out tonight, and, simultaneously, singling out the one movement that I am quite sure had impact. About making things somehow on my own terms.
I would never crush it as a missionary.
I would be crushed.

Life is funny.
Jesus is funny.
I know He loves it when I think such thoughts and write them down.
I can feel Him inclining His ear.
I can feel me incline my ear to Him.