It is Sunday morning, in Louisville.
I am lost. Again and Still.

Where to go to worship, to honor the Lord - Corporally? I am becoming so withdrawn. I am becoming isolated. It is not supposed to be this way.
The church - the family - is supposed to be available. I am supposed to be available, and a part, of the church. I cannot even find where to plug in.

I am getting lost because I am lost about sacred, about authority, about entertainment.
Help me Jesus.

I am sitting here and letting myself feel Jesus. I am able to sit here and weep in my sin and awe at God's Mercy. I weep.

I am broken.
And I am becoming different. I don't have the words yet, I don't have beyond the complaining and releasing... and not yet into the becoming and the receiving.

I cannot accept and see Catholicism as true.
What I love about "it" is that there is structure and you walk into any town and can find the next mass, and, if you believe all the beliefs (and we are close on so many) - then you can receive the Lord, the Body, the Word.

With the pastor having his (deliberately, stylized) torn jeans and hat on backwards - I was off-put by the lack respect (?) care (?) for the Lord and leadership at the church I visited last Sunday in NC. I left and wept in my car. Just sat there and wept.
When did I ever care about what people wore etc?
And yet, deliberately sloppy as a style seemed...to reflect the entire church.

The words of the songs seems to be about ME, what I GET from being here "in His Prescence" or "when I think about the Lord"..... when did I get so sensitive to NOT singing TO the Lord. For Him. Worship HIM instead of my experience of Him, or church.

Something is changing and I Know my Lord is here with me. I am not afraid. I am tired. I am listening. I am leaning in to Not Miss Him and He is shaking up the Church.

I don't believe that means I or we the believers searching for sacred, not necessarily Ritual but Sacred..... I don't believe that means we go to Catholicism. There are too many things demonic to me.  But - I do believe it is part of why so many people are checking into it as the Non-Dom church is falling so so short of the Lord. Leadership. Authority.

And of course, it is why the Catholic system is yielding to the World... wanting more people In.
But I am drifting.

When I had my first love... and Jesus first hugged me all up and grabbed my life and said YOU ARE MINE (okay, now I am crying) I could INSTANTLY know that big church was dead...even though I personally was brought to life there.

And I was blessed to meet Teresa, so alive and unyielding in pursuing JESUS CHRIST over all other.... doctrines, personalities, songs, distances.... and we had a core. We had a group, the Remnant we called ourselves.

I felt safe there.
Wide-eyed.
Heart Blown open.
I felt like the baby there.
I felt cared for, welcomed, included, on fire with a group.
ALL of us TRULY pointed to Jesus.
That has not changed for any of us, Praise God - but, for me, I miss the comfort and perhaps the cover, the cover of a group, a church, a family.

All I have found on my own, really, is "Not good enough", "Not on fire", "Not reading the word" and..... "NOT THE SACRED".

So I am praying to You Lord to hold me close. To You Holy Spirit to Guide me. To You God the Father, to create in me discernment that doesn't appeal to my self righteousness but that serves me to FIND AND SERVE YOU.

As I write I watch worship music that has always moved me.... the "Come as you are" and sing to the Lord.... and it seems to fall short. Lord I am going to stop writing, let You fill me again and I am going to sing.

I am not in despair: I am asking You to help me. I am waiting. You are here.

There is no church for me here in Louisville. I called Bev first thing, because I would go anywhere if she wanted to but - she did not respond.