One of the many things about 20+ years in the New Age Movement, Self Help and Positive Thinking protocols is that I can usually manage myself, understand what the triggers are or what is going on.
Now, with my Lord and Healer, the leveraging of those experiential decades lead me to putting Jesus as the proper center of healing and change, and moving ME to receivership of mercy.

So, over these years the rape and abuse I suffered from first-remembered age of 3 until 13 at the hands of my father, at the allowance of my mother, and the perhaps-accomplices of two of my three brothers (my memories are less clear there, or less willing to allow it fully).....  I completely forgave everyone.
It is true.
That happened right away.

My dad for the doing.
My mom for the cowardice and allowing.
My brothers for the denials.

And yes, over these 40 some years after I remembered the first violation, and then a decade's worth came like a fire-hose release, crashing through violently - I healed. I was deliberate.
I CHOSE JOY.
I do not let victim take me over.

For sure, this is a huge part of the attraction of New Age and Law of Attraction study itself:  We determine our destiny, our wealth, or health, our lives.

WE DO.
Forget about the Creator.
The CREATION can take care of everything with just right-minded thought. (That is another blog to write in the future.)

So, let me say I have done the work. I was a leader in alternative healings. Frequencies. Shamanic drumming. Hypnosis. Channeling. Astral Projection. All of it.

Jesus changed everything.
HE is the great Calm, the great Healer, the great Truth.
I am relieved of all the energy it took for me to do, be, act, live on my own.

And I invite you to imagine my surprise that I ended up in a fetal position yesterday, full-blown regression into a three or four year old in utter panic.
Utter Panic.
Sphincter-closed-tight-panic.

Clearly, the part not released and healed.
Clearly stored in my bowels until I was ready to handle her.

I was not upset; I was observationally involved, while fully physically engaged too. It was sudden, and unexpected. I found I was able to BE IN PANIC and HOLD THE TRUTH at the same time.

What this tells me is that truly, my heart has forgiven. And truly, my flesh has been scared in pockets tied up in my colon, in my thyroid, in my liver... my body still holds that which I have forgiven. 

This is not foreign to New Age thinking.

What is distinct is the calm that Jesus brought me in a doctors office, in a semi-public (ie - not my private bedroom or home) witnessing the duality of my awareness and the engaging in the loving of the younger self who then disappeared.
My flesh yielded after a brief but truly total panic.

I have never experienced anything like this. In New Age I definitely had many experiences: out of body, regression, alternate realities.... but never was there a....grounding factor.
Never a Truth.
Never my Jesus.
Never the covering of Psalm 91.

Certainly I am exhausted still today.
Certainly I can draw lines from bullying in Indiana with fever blisters, to a dismissive statement from my brother's random phone call, saying dad never hurt you - I never believed your letter, to a recent dismissive statement from a friend last night.

All things heard or experienced by a young girl with no voice, abused and overlooked and left behind.

New Age teaches ME to love her, ME to respect her, ME to love her.
The Bible teaches her and me that Jesus loves us both. That there is a solution, a giver and protecter-er greater than I can ever offer on my own.

The vision, the JOY that I experienced in the midst of it all was something like this (playfully): God floating over the clouds saying.... 

"OKAY, I need someone to go to John and Gloria and be one of the messengers to the world that when I AM is with you NOTHING is greater than you. That abuse and allowance of that abuse does not have to be generational, is not in fact... bigger than you and your experience."

.....and I jumped up with my hand raised....
"OH! OH! LORD, LORD! HERE!!! HERE!!!
HERE AM I.
USE ME!"

PURE GRATITUDE and ABSOLUTE JOY

ISAIAH 6:8

English Revised Version
And I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then I said, Here am I; send me.

King James Bible
Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.

World English Bible
I heard the Lord's voice, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here I am. Send me!"