Holy Saturday

"At the sight of him Adam, the first man he had created, struck his breast in terror and cried out to everyone: “My Lord be with you all.” Christ answered him: “And with your spirit.” He took him by the hand and raised him up, saying: “Awake, O sleeper, and rise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.”

– from an ancient Homily for Holy Saturday.

Life is Lifeless...

"Something strange is happening – there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. The whole earth keeps silence because the King is asleep. The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh and he has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear."

– from an ancient Homily for Holy Saturday.

I stumbled upon this artwork while wondering what I wanted to share from my rumbling heart this morning. Let me give credit here: https://www.flickr.com/photos/paullew/

So I can see again how my thoughts have shifted, and grown and deepened this Holy Week. I used to just sit with wonder about the humans... having dedicated their lives, families, beliefs...to Jesus. And then BAM! He is gone.

I used to only wonder about the doubt and the wondering if they had been right to follow Him.
And, that of course is a lot to think about.
What would I do?
Without the scripture in front of me, known, would I have faith or would I have doubt?

The other night at the Catholic Service, something new hit me.

JESUS LEFT THE EARTH.

HE LEFT US.

WE WERE WITHOUT THE SON OF GOD, FOR THREE DAYS.

It is something to think of. I never wondered about this before.
And, that Stone - rolled closed and then found open - it was the new covenant. I cannot abide that the actual Transubstantiation occurs in the Eucharist.  It seems the New Covenant is the open tomb; it seems to me the New Covenant is much more a mystery and a beauty than ever I could have imagined.
I am reeling today - realizing the world is so upside down - totally. Every thought. Every reaction. Every impulse. Every sin.

So, Saturday. Today. Christ has Left the World. 
What would I wonder?
What would I do?
What would I say?

How would I model faith?

I watched the Passion of Christ today. First time I ever made it through the violence visited Jesus, and of course I know it was much. much worse than my fast-forwarding frenzy.

It left me heavy hearted, and so so lonely. I wanted my Christian friends to talk with.
I did get two texts from the landlady.... interruptive.... Added to my feeling of floating unattached and unworthy and confused and lost.... but today I had to admit LONELY was an additional feeling. Heavy. I missed... Pat? Teresa? Talking of Jesus?
(I will have to write about Pat and wonder.... who would we be, how would we be walking together with this faith!?)

Ruby and I went to sit at the reservoir in the sunshine and just quietly looked at the water.
Nothing. Everything. 

I know that if no one on earth ever remembers me, my name is written in the Book of Life. Let me be content to disappear in the earthly sense, to submit wholly to Jesus, fully aware that my life is “hidden in Christ” (Colossians 3:3).(from https://www.biblestudytools.com/slideshows/an-easter-prayer-for-each-day-of-holy-week.html)

ANYWAY: I am out of sorts and am going to listen to worship music loud in my headphones in this house I love that I am leaving and let the world swirl around me as I think of my Lord and Saviour. And ease my tired eyes as I cried and cried watching Him suffer - for me.
I cannot seem to remember where I was going when I started this blog.