THIS... This is the perfect example of my battles. My inner shedding of my outer skins.

I have two miracluous stories. I decided I simply HAD to take time to sit and write. Even more than two things - but two, very precisce things. Relatable by anyone out there.... Wondering about God, wondering what "Miracles" might look like.

And Yet.
And Yet.

Argh, here I sit in yet another home, in another nice room I have happily rented... only to be found out how dispensible I am. I feel UnChosen again.
I am going to say just this; My stoner, friendly, all laid-back roommate just told me that the landlady asked him if she kicked me out would he stay.

NOW
This won't bopther me in 30 minutes or so as I walk throgh the truth of scripture, think about Andrew Womacks wall to wall Holy Spirit... I mean, I know what to do.
I believe God KEEPS giving me landlord after landlord that turn on me very personally... JUST so I will learn not to take their issues personally.
I believe He was trying to have me see that in all my business sequences, too. All the theft and betrayal.

IT IS - ONLY HE - on which I can depend. trust. and look to.

My "feelings" are hurt when again I am so thoroughly misunderstood, lied to and easily dispensed of - all while my "works", my "being part of a household and caring/cleaning/being thoughtful" is...simply NOT in the mix.

Just like last time.
Just like the time before that.

All these landladies mistreated me and turned crazy on me,

Like Noel says, maybe it is the liability that just comes with the territory of renting a room in your house rather than have an equal, and confirmed, roommate.
FurnishedFinders -> I turn to you again.
And again I KNOW I will find a beautiful place.
And again I KNOW it will feel adventurous once the tendency towards nervousness ends and something is settled.
And AGAIN I Practice... putting it into your hands, Lord.
Guide me. Guide me Home. Guide me to Your work only.

And if I believe that, and if writing accelerates the always-improving down time of my feelings hurt when I am underestimated and unloved and misjudged and not chosen.... then this is good.
Already I have taken Ruby out for a little walk and said JESUS - YOU were not chosen, You were misunderstood, You were unloved and of course You were underestimated... so what exactly is my (worldly) complaint!

I am going to move into the miracle instead of this story.

Right now.

Write now.

So the 30 year old young man who lives here smokes dope with the 70 year old landlady all day, every single day.
Every day.
Every single day.

In betwen that are Virginia Slims and Vodka.
Never sloppy drumk or fall down high..... but laid back, relaaaax high. 

I am invited, super friendly, into sitting on the porch and chatting. Visit. Hang out.
I don't want to. I have nothing to say really. And always partially drunk, she cannot hear and interrupts and misdirects and are all things I don't like.
BREATHE
So I have only seen this as another gentle teaching from my Lord; Slow down, be kind.
EVERY TIME I made accommodations to....eat with them... or sit on a Sunday afternoon after church with them... there was something that happened. Interrupted. In bed for the day because of too much alcohol. Or a separate, sudden plan where he goes away with a friend.
Never once in this month have my efforts yielded a successful triage of the gaping and widening 
distinction between us.

I never was good at hanging out.
I don't get high or drunk.
All I want to talk about is Jesus.

 SO THE MIRACLE.... begins.
One day, so suddenly, Jay says you remind me I want to read my Bible. I read every day, and move from the porch when I get up pre-dawn to take in a little yard enjoyment... because they get up, separately, but they get up smoking and talking.
I think I am very sweet, and graceful -  and say Let me give you your chair... and I need to get my day started...etc

BUT

AND
everyday they both see me deeply in the Word.

So that morning, 5 days ago: Jay has a Bible I had never seen. Historical, timeline NIV Bible. I was fascinated, and we sat and talked about Jesus and God and our lives for about an hour.
He went to his church that Sunday (last Sunday).

We talked about our churches and in general, it truly opened and broadened our friendship. A friendship.

The Landlady started to stay in her room.
Uh Oh.

Now I am working this political campaign: I am BUSY, I am Talking all day. When I am done I want to walk, and be quiet.
So it is with great efffort and sacrifice that I attempt to sit at all on the porch as they roll, toke, and cough.
It is exptremely unpleasant and ill-paced.
And the Landlady is very needy: Very nice, but you can tell it is shallow, could break in a moment.

THEN IT BROKE.
Three days ago Saturday she was in bed. I was sitting with Jay on the porch and was doing work while I was there. Data stuff. Just the catch-up while you watch a movie stuff.

She came out and sat at the table while I was in her chair.
I said oh here, sit here....she said no, no just hand me my cigarettes.
And I said no, please here be comfortable. I don't want to stay in the smoke anyway - it's cool. I have been out here for a while.

I came inside and for the very first time sat in the living room to work isntead of my very pleasant room.
She came in: FURIOUS.
Told me I stormed out and she didn't appreciate it.
Why did you move IN here if you are so self righteous about smoking.
You were rude and it hurt my feelings.

Wow, okay. I breathed in slowly and immediately asked Jesus to speak for me.      
Take the Wheel so to speak.

I said I was so so sorry she felt that way and took my words and actions that way.
She yelled.
She said THAT IS NOT AN APOLOGY - you are sorry I took it that way but NOT SORRY you DID IT.

Praise God, He gave me another very slow breath.
Yes, I said, that makes the apology even sweeter, for I know I did not intend that. I know I don't speak the way you just indicated, I don't gesticulate like that, so I am sure I hit something that hurt you - but was not intended to do so, by me. So the apology is even sweeter because I want you to feel good.

Bear in mind, my mother Gloria have me the power of hurtful words, the defense of attack, and I did not do it.
And when she screamed, literally, at me:

THIS is MY HOUSE..and I have been NOTHING BUT GOOD TO YOU..... uh oh.... there it is.
I said, yes you have and I too have been kind to you. I love it here and always take extra care (Needless to say neither of them, you know, remember to wipe the counter off or put toilet paper on the empty roll...) 
ANYWAY AH... see I am not all the way free.....

ANYWAY- she said - okay. And goes in her room and shuts the door.
My throat is full of words, hurt, stunned stuffed back words.

I walk around the yard for a few minutes, and am angry.
And ask to be freed from my anger.
I am.

God is so faithful. THIS is what that means.
I knock on her door, she is in bed watching wheel of fortune.

I sit down on the side of her bed and say again, I am sorry for any discord between us. And she is so lighthearted...oh I have already let that go.. it's okay.
(SO NOT TRUE.)

So that is Saturday.
Sunday I get up early: I am going to go up to Myrtle Beach to church. I am going to hopefully meet with a woman that has rooms. I am deliberatly going to be back around 5:00 to "All have dinner together" - which by the way, is not what I signed up for. I rent a room.

So:
As I get out and going.. I realize I am an hour early: Church starts at 10 not 9. HA Ha I laugh and Say thank God for this Beach time with Ruby.
So we go meander around Pawley's Island and Litchfield-by-the-Sea and enjoy the early morning! I am winding around on streets I have never been on in Myrtle Beach, heading a new way to Church.
AND then .....I drive past a man off the side of the road.
He has his head in his hands.
One can feel his despair.
I KNOW to turn aorund and help him.
No danger signs. No warning signs.
GO.

And I did.
I had to make two u-turns and come across traffic, as though God wanted me to really be sure I was doing this. Stopping. Alone. A homeless man. Safety.
YES.
I left the side door open with my flashers on. Ruby stayed on her seat but I knew she would come if I called or needed her and would serve me if there were any danger.

I said Hey Brother! How are you? What can I do for you?
He looked up and asked if I had water.
Oh my heart broke! YES I HAVE WATER. Ran back to my car and got three bottles I keep always in there. And Teresa's homeless-snack pack she has given me with crackers.
He drank two bottles of watern straight down.

I asked him what was going on. Hard times, he said. My life is just off the rails.
May I pray for you?
YES.
I touched his rm and held his hands and he wept.
I don't remember my prayer, but when I opened my eyes he was looking down with eyes closed. And then he said:
THANK YOU.
I asked him if he knew Jesus Christ.
He said yes.
I asked him if he wanted to come to church with me, and be loved and helped there.
He hesitated and said yes.
He sat behind me because Ruby has her fancy seat in the car and it take 30 minutes to unbuckle it!
I KNEW I WAS SAFE.

ANYWAY:
I gave him my stash of Paleo Valley meat sticks.
Gave him Teresa's Homeless package.
We got to church, this very church that welcomes me HOME when I come back to it.. and I met everyone and said this is my friend Sterling I just met, and he wanted to join me with sit with the Lord.
We went to a healing room with Ms. Donna before Church Service.
THERE, he accepted healing, and he gave his Life to Jesus. Openly and Publicly.
He broken down.
We (4-5 of us) put our hands on him and prayed over him by name.

We entered the church service then, and people came and greeted him.This church has...100-125 people. Substantial.... and it was impressive upon my heart that so many people came up to him to hug him and welcome him. I could see that "Touch" was moving him. Healing him. A woman secured a small toiletry bag for him. Essentials.

So, Pastor says to me - in the very back row instead of my usual up front - he says "Lisa you have brought a guest for us today" And I say yes this is Sterling, he found me on my way to Church today and blessed me by coming with me."
Pastor had the entire church pray over Sterling. It was amazing to me. He wept.

Then the service. Sterling nodded off and on, apologized and said he cannot sleep "out there". I said no worries, the Word is entereing into you anyway because you came.
He put his hands up when we worshiped.
At the end of service there was an altar call for healing and for the Holy Spirit and for prayer... I asked him if he wanted to go up.
He said YES!

I said would you like to go up alone? Or do you want me to go with you?
He asked me (and Ruby) to go up front.
So this is very public now.

Amazing.
So many people prayed over him. He put his head down reverently, and said Thank you Lord.

I wept. I laughed.  
I thought my little worries at home... I DO have purpose, God puts me right where HE wants me. I will BE HOME FOR DINNER! I will go the extra mile when I am asked to go one mile.

The church scooped Sterling up:
A man stepped up to drive him to the men's shelter while other people said I need a day or two, let me see if I can find a place for you... he left with at least 65 dollars in hand... he hugged me and hugged me and said he wanted to come back Wednesday and next Sunday.
Jim, the driver (and he knows how to talk to theses guys...drugs? police problems? etc)... and he stepped right up.
Said I will get you a phone, you cannot be out here or out there without a phone.
And he wanted my number. He wanted Jim's number. He wanted the Church's number.
I mean this was amazing, all around.  ONLY GOD.

So How could I Doubt my Worth.
How could I Doubt the Fruit of my Jesus Life?
I have the smoker Jay influenced, and not only reading the Bible, but then had a small book of Psalms, and was asking me about some of them. He turned on the TV and asked me if I wanted to watch Billy Graham.

But after Sterling pulled away in the bus with Jim, after the lady said Oh, I want your fire in my house.. I am just not sure how it could all work because we have this home for missionaries when they are in town.. that was our vision, not really long term... let's think on it.

After all of this morning I sat, totally alone in my car. Weeping with Joy. Weeping with Sadness. Weeping with Confusion. Weeping with Aloneness.
I had to shake shake shake off Satan right there again!

I AM NOT ALONE, it is a Lie.
For HE is always with me, He goes before me, He plans my day before I even enter iunto it.

So unresolved I drive away to Pawley's where a visit with a friend and her family unfolds another entire story of Jesus, of the wealth He gives us and works through us when we get out of His way and give Him purchase. Give Him center. Another story for later!

So I get "HOME" ....thinking I am now well suited to be in a chit chatty stoned out dinner and be truly present and kind.
THEY have had a fight.

Jay unloads and tells me all their past fights/problems. He strings more sentences together than he has in this past month.

She hasn't come out of her room since Saturday when I left her. He thinks she might have died. He didn't sign up for her drama (!) and he realizes he has drifted from God (!) and has told her he is moving out (he has been here over a year, smoking and "hanging out") and he is going home to Michigan to visit and make right some family things (!) and see what is next for him. 
GOD IS SO GOOD. SO FAITHFUL.

So is this fruit of my reading the Word around and in front of them all the time, every single day?
Is she really angry because Satan is fighting in her status quo of how things have been and another soul has potentially been snatched back to Jesus?

He tells me she was arrested Christmas even for fighting a police man. Assaulting him. Showed me her mug shot.
He tells me the water has been cut off twice.
He tells me the electric has been cut off once.
Money.
Forgetfullness.
He tells me she has fallen three times and he was here for two of them and caught her. She would have died. At least laid on the floor for...how long? No neighbors or visitors.
He tells me the AC will break on the first hot day, and last summer a tenant just went out and got a window AC for her window and had a big fight with the Landlady over it.

CRAP.
So I pray through it all last night.  I pray Jesus - YOU do not give me fear or doubt, only Satan does that. Help me finally and totally give it ALL to you. Everytime I end up somewhere, Somewhere beautiful. And somewhre broken that you have brought light into it through me. I See the Fruit of my Love for Jesus.
So I get all peaceful again for my Tuesday morning workload.
I get up determined to write today - not this story - but certainly about Sterling and other miracles.

2Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

And Jay tells me before I have coffee... ya, last night she asked me, "if I kick out Lisa would you stay?"

I was shocked. Hurt. Unchosen. Easily discarded. Misunderstood. AGAIN.
And I sit here with the Lord, writing it all out  asking for my freedom. Asking to free me entirely of the concerns of this world, and to let me Truly Be Your Hands and Feet,

HERE AM I LORD! USE ME.

ISAIAH 6:8

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”  And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

PSALM 40