Father, My Heavenly Father.

HOW can I claim my faith when I fail so miserably?
HOW can I honor You and Your gifts to me when I discard them so easily?

Do I Believe You or do I Not Believe You?

How can I fall and how can I fail when I believe so deeply?
Praying over everyone. Spending real time in Your Word. Looking forward to You and time spent with You. I fall and fail so miserably.

I get CONVICTED by the household here: It is (Can be) so awful because of the inbstability and the drunkenness and my inability to know what to do.

THEN
After I lose it with her and we fight: I am literally torn open, ripped open from toe to head.
FULL ON.
Torn Apart.
Fail and Fall.

Right and Wrong - elegance of the eloquence pale when I know how badly I failed and how far I fell.
Consumed by regret and shame of my weaknesses.

I get CONVICTED by the household here: It is (Can be) so wonderful because of the stability I treasure in You and suredness of Your guiding me. Lord it isn't even difficult when I remove myself from first place and remember to love one another as we want to be loved.

Lord it is so easy: even sloppy drunk right now.  Even slurring and grabbing for attention. Even calling Ruby to "Just love her" and such insecurities. Even with sadness.
Heaviness is a choice.
Joy is a choice.
PeaceMaking is a choice.

Lord Forgive me, again.
Lord Help me, again.