If I could stop, really stop and slow down and write... I would be better able to untangle all the moves and changes and turbulence and joy going on in my life.

My backdrop has been this... hectic and trying living situation; I keep asking and then receiving directions. I go meet new people - one sadder than the next. I mean unbearably sad - and drinking or drugging - and I cannot bear meeting one more person like this. 
As a Landlady.
When I returned home today to Joanne, it felt like coming home, back to something familiar if a bit unsettling.

So I am unable to process my backdrop enough to give context to the deep spiritual walk I am on with My Lord. 
As promised by the Word and every Christian I know...  this is refining me. I am not running away from God, at all. I am not thinking He has left.
I accept all responsibility for my hesitations and sins and poor temperment and everything I do that falls short of where I want to be for the Lord.

Sigh.

I am so tired right now, and don't know even how to start.

Baby Delilah and my powerful joy at how Dina has helped the whole family walm so close with the Lord through this death.
And my anger at how frustrating it is to have people raise money. Pitiful. Makes me deeply sad.
I cannot focus on it, as I know already that the expectations are always going to disappoint.

Then to have a woman drink herself to death while this baby warrior was fighting for every breath. And how would she grow up - would she be the special young woman I project on her as such a fighter? Or would I be disappointed.

Then to have the work be so unstaisfactory with Noel and this team that just always leaves me out..... So, I am going to back off of my workflow like Noel has suggested - no really screamed at me last week.
And he says I stay in it as I process, and converse, through it. Yet he was rude and really cruel to me - and I wanted to write about that 10 days ago - and have not been able to.
He is right, in that if I didn't need to talk with a friend... then I would just let it go in a second, even if I know I am unheard and bullied, talked over.
What do I do with that.
Not Need.
Change friends.

And then the Anointed work I did with Ethan on the Opportunity's Edge series, and with Gavin on the Ce-Cu Breahtrough. It poured out of me in a day. Morely.
Still no response from Mitch OR Noel.

So the world disappoints me utterly. Friends don't stay friends. I can't behave the way I want to - just like Paul - my flesh cannot honor consistently my prayers and repentences.

So even writing like this to just try to catch myself up - I feel sullied.
I don't like it. I don't like who it makes me become.

AND, I have been deeply alone. Not quite lonely, but so alone.
AND, Ruby betrayed me. Wrong word? What then.
AND, I have been praying diferently. Ferverently, not even asking for anything but thanking for everything. A kind of ferverance that let's me know in the moment of frustration or pain or disillusionment or or or... that I do turn to God and sat what are You teaching me?
How do I elevate this out of the world and into the Kingdom, only and always?
I know even this writing is rambling, and not really clear.

I have not liked myself, and my choices, as I have gotten so so tired of being neglected at work, and even feeling abused by a bullish love from Noel. Too much like my brothers.
And me - I have been sad, at times desparate. I have been exhausted. I have been creative. I have been aware of true blessings over me.

So my mind is so blown.
I have been so overwhelmed on all fronts - all while acknowledging how gentle my life is, how light my suffering, how narrow my window of peace and operation is... before I get irritated at the dog, or sad with my friend, or tired of the stupidity and maliciousness of politics.

I am lost, but I am lost with Him. 
I am kind of floating, untethered, but I am tethered with Him.
I am.
I have not lost that connection and relationship and it is deepening.
I KNOW IT IS FOR ME
I KNOW HE IS FOR ME

Gosh how I don't ever doubt this. THAT is a blessing I accept readily and am grateful for. 
I dont want this blog to turn into a whining journal when every day I ALSO have a full on start with the Lord... thanking and worshiping Him deeply before I "Start" anything.
It has become a powerful habit.

And then work crashes into it. Irritation with the environment crashes into it.
Lord I was lost deeply in You this morning at Dina's house before I left to come home here, to church.
And then at Church, I worshipped and oh Lord I felt You and stayed in Your precence. And the Sermon was so great - about being ready.... for His Return.

God help me re-sort my life and my timing. 
I spend all mornings with You, every Morning, and still it is all I want.

What do I need to do Lord?
Gather me and show me my steps. I am ready to be obedient. I need to hear You better.
I need to hear You only.

and what is this Satan's Little Season?
and what is this Darby and Schofield, Israel and post millenial.... Lord am I doing right?
Please be sure to incline Your ear to me and burst my heart open to You.

YOU ONLY.
Can I bear thinking all I have learned might not be true?

Heal my mind. Tonight. Now.
Before my week begins.
Show me where to live, Show me how to work, Who me how to work with.

I want my tribe Lord.