Satan Is Furious. The Lord Is Near.

For almost three weeks, my body has been under assault.

I have needed sleep — and I have slept.
Hours upon hours.
Day after day.
As though my body has been forced into retreat while a war rages in the seen and unseen.

Vertigo has hit hard.
It has disabled my thinking, disrupted my balance, clouded my mind, weakened my body, and turned simple movement into battle.
Up feels sideways. Stillness feels unstable. My brain has struggled to keep pace with what my spirit knows.

And yet here is the truth:

I am closer than ever to the Lord.
Closer to Jesus.
Closer to the Holy Spirit.
Closer to Father God.

What the enemy meant to use to disorient me has instead driven me deeper into the Presence of God.

I see it clearly: this has not just been physical.
This has been spiritual.
There is a demonic agenda against my peace, my clarity, my strength, my voice, my calling.

But Satan is overplaying his hand.

Because in this nearly three-week assault, I have not been consumed by fear.
I have not collapsed into despair.
I have not stopped looking to the Lord.
I have not stopped listening for Him.
I have not stopped reaching for Him.

Exodus 14:14
“The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”

This is how I fight my battles.

The Lord fights for me.

And in this battle, He is teaching me something deeper than endurance.
He is teaching me alignment.
He is teaching me authority.
He is teaching me how to live as someone who knows she belongs to Him.
I weep in grattitude as I write.

I guard my mouth because life and death are in the power of the tongue.

Proverbs 18:21
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”  

That is no small thing.
That is not poetic language.
That is war language.
That is Kingdom reality.

So I will not partner with darkness using my own words.
I will not give my mouth to fear, agreement with torment, exaggeration, defeat, or death.
I will not casually speak curses over my body, my future, my mind, or my circumstances.

No.

I am learning to speak Life.
On purpose.
With intention.
With reverence.
With force.

Lord, You breathe Life over me and are teaching me to breathe Life into my words and my world.
Let my words and my speech and even my thinking be a true partnership with You and Your Kingdom.
Let me speak Life as You teach me that choice.
Teach me response over reaction.
Thank You.

Psalm 19:14
“Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord.”  

James 1:19
“Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” 

This is holy training.

Vertigo has literally turned me upside down and sideways.
Nausea. Fatigue. Confusion. Weakness. Mental fog.
And yet, under all of it, something stronger is happening.

The Lord is maturing me.

I am watching Him strip away noise.
Strip away striving.
Strip away distraction.
Strip away false strength.
Strip away the illusion that I am sustained by anything other than Him.

And what remains?

Truth.

The Lord is all.
All I need.
All I want.
All I have.

Psalm 23:1
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”  

Not because that sounds spiritual.
Because it is becoming real.

This reminds me of last July, when grief and darkness pressed in so heavily.
The deaths in my life.
The despair in the house around me.
The alcoholism.
The sadness.
The suffocating heaviness.
Ruby's confusion.

And in that hour, I cried out to God for hours with my left hand raised, as if He were physically holding it.
And I remember thinking: I will not let go.

And I remember shouting:
Where did I go? You never leave! Where did I go?
Carry me, Lord.
Hold me, Lord.
Breathe joy back into me, Lord.

And He did.

That became the real story of that season.
Not the sorrow.
Not the loss.
Not the chaos.

The real story was that God met me - there.
He held me - there.
He spoke Life over me - there.

Psalm 34:4
“I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” 

Psalm 61:2
“When my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”  

And here I am again.
Different battlefield.
Same faithful God.

This time there is no despair.
There is awe.

I am watching the Lord sustain me while war rages around me, within me, and yes — because of me.
Because of His Grace.
Because I have chosen Him.
Because I love Him.
Because I am grateful.
Because I am not turning back.
Because my life belongs to Jesus Christ.

Satan is furious.
Let him be.
I belong to God.

I will honor who I am because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” — Psalm 139:14

I am not random.
I am not forgotten.
I am not disposable.
I am not a mistake.
I am not the sum of my symptoms.
I am not defined by this temporary assault.

I am His.
And because I am His, I receive His Shepherding Promises to me and trust Him with all provision and health.

You are my Shepherd.
You lead me.
You cover me.
You restore me.
You provide for me.
You correct me.
You comfort me.
You hem me in.
You do not abandon Your sheep in the valley.

Psalm 23:2–3
“He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul.” 

I stand protected because no weapon formed against me shall prosper because I am Yours.

Isaiah 54:17
“No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper.” 

Not one!
Not the weapon against my body.
Not the weapon against my mind.
Not the weapon against my balance.
Not the weapon against my peace.
Not the weapon against my calling.
Not the weapon against my future.
Not the weapon against my voice.

The weapon may form.
But it will not prosper.
Because I am Yours.

So yes, people say:

Get a CT scan.
Go to the doctor.
Have you changed your diet?
What are you doing for this?

And I understand.
I am grateful for concern.
I am grateful to be loved.

But I am also deeply grateful for this forced quiet.
For this stripping down.
For this sacred aloneness with God.

Because again, in the stillness, I am watching, hearing, receiving Him speak Life over me.

Again, in the weakness,
I am watching Him prove His strength.

Again, in the fog,
I am seeing Him more clearly.

Again, in the battle,
I am learning that peace is not the absence of war — it is the Presence of God in the middle of it.

Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God.” 

2 Corinthians 12:9
“My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” 

So I lay my head down again in the middle of the morning, not as one defeated, but as one being taught.
Not as one silenced, but as one being refined.

This is not surrender to darkness.
This is surrender to God.

The enemy wants panic.
The Lord is teaching trust.

The enemy wants reaction.
The Lord is teaching response.

The enemy wants agreement with fear.
The Lord is teaching me to speak Life.

And I will.

I will guard my mouth.
I will honor who I am in Him.
I will trust His shepherding.
I will stand on His promises.
I will reject partnership with darkness.
I will speak Life into my body, my mind, my future, and my world.

Because the Lord is with me.
Because the Lord is for me.
Because the Lord fights for me.

Romans 8:31
“If God be for us, who can be against us?” 

And because I am His.
I can only see This Little Girl and weep for my True Father.

And so I lay my head down again in the middle of the morning, not in defeat — but in trust.
Not in fear — but in surrender.
Not as one abandoned — but as one being held.